Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Here I am last year...

This was taken pretty close to one year ago. Now, I had pictures that were exactly a year ago but they had other people in them.... So, sorry if you have seen this one before. ;-)


Here I am today...

How have I changed? Oh let me count the ways. I still have brown hair and green eyes, but I definitely don't feel like the same person. I can't say that all the changes have been positive but I try to make the most of them. Aside from the obvious physical changes that have occurred, there have definitely been some mental, emotional and spiritual changes also.  


A lot of the changes have been due to the wonderful MS. My memory is shot, I get hot flashes or nauseous when too fatigued, and I get random sharp pains everywhere. I try to joke about the MS and if my brother or husband are teasing me about something I tell them that I can't help it because I have MS. Tee hee  hee. Hey, if you are going to have a debilitating disease you might as well make the most of it...right?

I seem to be a lot more pessimistic now than I was a year ago. After having pink eye consistently for 4 months, positional vertigo for 2 weeks, double vision for 2 months, MS for life, and chronic UTI's, I kind of live my life expecting the next bad thing to happen. I honestly am afraid of what terrors lie ahead of me and my husband. I guess, after getting diagnosed with MS I finally came to the realization that bad stuff happens to everyone. That God was not going to keep illnesses or disease from me. That all the other things that I considered big trials were just the beginning. I now personally know that I am NOT IMMUNE to major life altering things. 

So,  I  may be a bit more paranoid about what the future might bring, but I have discovered that I am BRAVER THAN I THOUGHT. A year ago I had a conversation with Jeff about his trial of being deathly ill with Crohns. He has suffered a lot of pain, fear, anger, and 2 major surgeries. He has been through hell. I remember telling him that I could never be as strong as him because I could never handle having a trial like that. I would never survive having a disease or being so sick. Well, LOOK AT ME NOW. I may not have had surgery, but I have been really sick, I have experienced the horrors of IV steroids, I have experienced the sensation of doom that is brought on when you are told you have an incurable disease, and I'M STILL ALIVE! I lived through the hardest year of my life!!!! I'm still here. I still have a husband. (He is a strong man.) I still wake up everyday, albeit around 1pm, but I still get up AND I put makeup on. I am moving forward!

I have also found that I no longer care about going out of my way to surround myself with people that really don't care about me. I am perfectly content with my small handful of  good friends. For the record, one of them is my husband and I can count the rest of them on less than one hand...;-)


I obviously feel a lot different physically but I also have had to restart spiritually. Last year really did damage to my foundation and my trust in the big picture. I wish I could say that the whole time my world was falling apart I knew Heavenly Father loved me, but I can't. For the past year I have been relying on my husband's testimony that my worth is great in the site of God.  I have felt totally abandoned spiritually. That has been THE HARDEST part to this entire trial. I could go on and on about this, but just know your foundation can never be TOO strong. I thought I was a strong person spiritually, but I now know I was weak. So, my foundation may have pretty much crumbled, but I still own the plot of land and, with the help of my husband, I am rebuilding.

I am slowly building myself back up, but I have taken a hit to all aspects of my being. I don't know that I will even discover the new me until a ways down the road.  However, the current major storm has passed and now it is calm. I plan on taking this year to truly work on finding out who I am NOW.   On overcoming my new paranoia, strengthening my relationships and friendships, and loving the life I have.